I had this bad habit of searching for happiness in people. When I got spare time and felt bored, you could have bet that I’ll be miserable anytime soon. The reason being I used to search for happiness in people and often they would not be free, generally their schedules would not match mine. I was desperately searching for something I shouldn’t have been. I don’t need to.
Slowly, everything is changing for good. When I get time I do things I like and I know it might sound a little bit boring or unnatural, trust me I know how it sound. When people told me to love myself and practice self love, spend time with me, not search for happiness in anybody else, not look for someone to Love….
I never took them seriously, never thought good of them. Moreover, I felt irritated when somebody mentioned ‘Love Yourself’ and went as far as to make fun of them. I always thought of those people of boring kind.
But now after having a hell of experience I am starting to realise what they really meant I am starting to feel it all myself. I had a roller coaster of life for the last two years, that taught me a lot. They are not the best memories to remember but I’m kind of grateful that I had that time because I hate being in dark. I was so wrong about many things, I like the person I am today. The change was for better.
My way of spending free time has transformed. I read novels when I am travelling instead of watching movies or browsing my phone pointlessly. I used to end up draining the phone battery and getting frustrated. Actually I used to read fiction ten times more frequently than I do now but that was essentially different. That was a sort of addiction; Fiction and Fantasy provided me escape and I read them for hours continuously and skipped my meals.
Reading is a relaxing interesting hobby to me and music is my passionate side. Music is my love. I listen to it, tap my feet, sway my knees, break my arms, just because I don’t want to make a fool of me by starting to dance in the public place. Starting from a bathroom singer, I am learning new instruments now, and I wish one day I write songs people will love.
I like to write, I like to read. I love to sing and play. But if I have cash to throw away and no plans to worry about, I would rather pack my bags and appear on the site that tops my travel list. There are numerous places I want to see for myself, they appear so appealing in the pictures I see on the internet, I read interesting stories about them on the media.
Your outlook becomes more positive when you start to see the beauty in things, in places, in nature, in the selfless love of your parents and family, and in the life itself.
I am becoming less of a perfectionist, which is good. Hating myself because I know my flaws well and they are many in number, I don’t like to go through it. I still have those moments but they are turning into more bearable and less frequent of kinds.
The knowledge that nothing is forever is probably the best thing one can have and the hardest to share. When the truth finally fixes itself in your mind there comes a denial phase. It is difficult to accept that it is going to be like this, that bad times always visit again. That life is not a fairy tale of ‘happy forever’ tag… We start to see life as cruel and start hating living.
But if you’re lucky, you find the balance soon. Balance between the days that make you smile and the ones that are too long. Everything gets normal before we know it. And if you’re luckier, a part of the experience is always etched on your mind making you wiser. You stop looking for permanent things and begin living in the moment. You start living, my friend.
