Old at 20 #1

I remember it clearly. I sat on a chair before my desk, facing the wall with texts scribbled on it. There were plenty of  motivational quotes written on pieces of paper pasted here and there. “This too shall pass ” is the quote I despise the most whenever I remember those times. 

Not that I didn’t dislike it back then. The quote made me believe that life is incredibly hard. That there are hard times in life which you have to go through if you want to be happy. And it was hard for me partly because I disliked studying in a room in a city where I was totally a stranger with no social life. However, what made it impossible to bear was the sense of choice. It would have been different if I had no choice but to go through it. But it felt brutal when I started thinking of it as something I am doing as a result of making wrong choices without a very appealing reward at the end. I wanted to quit and I knew I can but with worse consequences. I still hadn’t decided to quit, though.

In the central portion, in big letters, was written “Michael Phelps – Every Single Day”. I had read about how Michael Phelps made it sure to practice every day regardless how he felt. ” You can’t get much done in life if you only work on the days you feel good.” This was his secret of Greatness, the most important ingredient in making him one of the best swimmers in history.

As I write this, I’m strongly aware of my craving for being great. I’m the type to dive too deep in something I regard important and work hard to be the best in it. When I start chasing mastery in a skill or career, I sidetrack other aspects of life. It’s because I crave so much for fame and acknowledgement. 

And that, I know, had been a problem. It’s interesting how our mind can play tricks on and to what extent it can go. It can distort the reality, it can change the meaning of life for someone and also modify the way you see yourself. Overnight it can make you from a science geek to an artist, an artist to a writer, and back to a science student. It would be pleasant to journey through these different realms if there wasn’t so much material damage done through the process. Neglecting the fact that it can be quite frustrating the way your identity as you see yourself keeps oscillating, it looks worse through the eyes of someone else. 

To them, you become a person with lost cause, someone who is good for nothing. To your family and those who support you if you’re a kid, they find it hard to trust you when they need to invest in your career because after years of those experiences even you don’t know if you’ll be really doing that for long or will you quit midway. It’s a relief if your loved ones understand the details but a lot of times they know you need help but they can’t actually because they really do not understand. Cruel is to tell them that they are not helping when they are so much trying to. At least their intentions are good and they are kind to be wanting to help. One should live with the fact that it is our fight not really theirs and there are people who care about us. Though sometimes that is not enough.

So that was me less than two years ago sitting before a desk, facing numerous quotes trying to study my ass up. Not that I used to study as much as an average student in my position would do, my condition had made me a master procastinator. But back then, I even didn’t know I had a condition. I only knew I was different and I would take pride in that. I used to think I’m too lazy to work consistently. I used to start things and never follow them up. Workout, basketball, writing a novel, studying, hitting the track early morning, you name it I’ve planned it. Do you want to know how it felt to plan things? It felt so good. I had my diary full of plans, things to do, quotes to implement in life and areas to improve. And how did it feel to never be able to follow a schedule up? Frustrating. 

Half the time I had the willpower to change the world and the other half I couldn’t even take a shower. It wasn’t my body that would get tired. Trick was in my head. I used to think I was just lazy at times. What I didn’t notice was no matter how tired I might be, if it would be my time of high willpower, I’d put effort. But when I felt low, I couldn’t even cook. And how did it feel to be at mercy of your mood? Well, I didn’t think like that two years ago. Spider falls several times and it keeps trying and one day it succeeds. But I was missing a factor there. The effort has to be put in the right direction. With time, making mistakes, you can learn the right direction to put efforts in. But you can’t expect to overcome it if you don’t even know what you are fighting. And what was I fighting? I used to think of my failures as short term failures. I hadn’t realized the pattern yet. 

Continued in next episode….

-NÍCK