Distant

Maybe our instincts know it all,
About what’s happening and what’s going to happen,
Maybe it was my insecurities instead,
Or my fear that I’ll lose her too,
And just like that, she would walk away.

My instincts said she would lose interest soon,
It felt like we were drifting apart,
And I wanted to hold onto her.
But I had been taught to play hard to get
If I wanted to make her want me as well.

Nevertheless, I put on a show,
Of pushing her away,
Because I wanted to hear that she wanted to stay,
Ignored her,
Because I wanted to hear that she missed me too,
Acted like I didn’t care because I wanted her to care,
I just wanted to hear it all in her voice,
That she wanted me as much as I wanted her,
That our friendship meant something to her, too.

And when she didn’t seem to notice,
I pushed her away further,
Said the rudest things to her,
Showed her a side of me I’ve always hated.
Though it did take time, she reached out to me,
But the tears in her eyes told me it was already strike one.

I started to realize that
She didn’t want me like I wanted her,
And I’d rather break away than be stuck in this zone,
But I couldn’t leave her side just like that,
Couldn’t afford to risk losing her forever.

I had hurt her once,
And I knew if I did it again,
I’d lose her soon,
But when things got back to normal,
The new normal of us not talking like we used to,
I sought attention again.

Pushing her away became my way,
Of making her hold me tight,
Of getting her to hug me,
If only she could see how much I wanted her
To love me as I love her,
I wouldn’t always be on my heels,
Wouldn’t be freaked out by my fear of abandonment.

I did this over and over again
Until this was the only side of me she knew,
Until she stopped listening,
Until she gave up and stopped putting in effort,
My sorries became the only way to make things right,
But it was just a compromise,
Instead of the understanding I wanted from her,
It was an arrangement that couldn’t last long.

If only she liked me like I liked her,
And missed me when we couldn’t talk for days,
If she felt the way I did,
She would take a closer look at me,
I was right there, but she never saw me,
Never understood the person I was inside,
If only it wasn’t one-sided,
She would have an idea of the hell I was in.

But I was hurting her, and that’s all she could notice.