It hadn’t been long since I was a teenager in my high school. I hated my life and who I was, wanted to change it. i clearly remember the desperation, the frustration when I came back in circles. It had become a pattern. I decide I would change. I start everything new, keep it up for a few days and then it was the true me taking the lead before I know it. Bad habits seldom die easily. I am grateful that i made through that phase of my life.
Probably the shortcoming was that I was trying to start it completely new. I didn’t want to do anything with my past, or my old friends or family. I wanted to cover all the bad things I’ve done. I see it now.
We are humans and it is one life. We should learn to bear our scars proudly and smile at the past thinking of how stupid we were and how much we have grown. It would be easy if we learn to forgive and understand. Forgive ourselves and forgive them.
Perfectionism is tiring. I couldn’t bear to be flawed. I couldn’t settle as second. I didn’t want any ting associated with me that’s not cool in my opinion. I wanted to be the best but I could have never been the best in my eyes. There was always something I found wrong about me.
So I started it new. I left my home, left studies, left my friends. Good news was I was doing what i like. Bad news was I wasn’t living.
it’s bad to judge someone. It’s worse to judge yourself. Now I have reestablished connections with my family and school friends. imperfect isn’t a problem anymore, I see beauty in it. It is beautiful being the animals we are, the animals who know to love, laugh and cry, to fight and help. We know to make memories and art. We are a beautiful world.
19 was when I turned a man. I ventured out to find my own destiny. i feel proud when I look at that phase of my life. It was hard, i’m surprised I made it through. Someone can be looking over me. Maybe, it is my late grandfather, the only God to me.
I had this thought eating me that I might not be able to live my youth because I’m starting to late for my career. That i’ll be already 23 or 24 before I am truly able to perform because that’s what I’m passionate about.
It becomes easy when I see life as a whole. It’s hard for me to own the wimpy kid I was before 19 and I neglect those time naming them my kid time. After 19, however, it all makes sense. i am doing what I love, I am independent, I am facing life and living it, highs and lows. Yeah i am still not enjoying my favorite breakfast in my house in a place i love looking out to a beautiful scenario but I’m living. I’m working, i’m dreaming, I’m building it and I am seeing it get better. I was a man at 19, and no I didn’t start late.