The Way to Miss You
I’ve found a way to miss you that hurts less,
I’ve found a way that will keep me going,
A way of life where I won’t be going insane
Reading deep into signs, finding gestures of your love,
With my eyes glued to the phone,
Waiting for your name to turn up,
Although I know it won’t,
And accepting that will hurt less.
I remind myself that you won’t walk my way again,
Walk into my space and fill me in a virtual embrace,
Like you used to when you missed us for a while,
Call my name and cherish little things about me,
Those memories flash on the screen of my mind,
And although how much I want those times back,
I have learned to tell myself not to try,
Try to reach out to you and get you back,
And text you and wait an eternity for your replies
I’ve found a way to live with those memories,
A way that hurts less.
My body used to be in the workplace,
But my mind would be with you,
At the exact moment, I existed twice,
One, where I am, and the other, with you,
My mind would be in chaos the whole time,
And my heart would extensively pump blood to it,
The whole thing just to help it remember you,
And my ears would eagerly wait,
To hear my favourite notification that is you.
I lived that way, or should I say died,
Every day, waiting for a glimpse of you,
That you would come back and look into my eyes,
And fathom the love I have for you.
But I have learned to not hope again,
And learned to repeat to myself the truth,
That who you love is not me,
And if you want me to stop needing you, I should.
Because accepting it is the only way that hurts less,
And giving up on us means I don’t hang by a thread,
This is a life where you won’t come to take care of me,
And if I keep lamenting your name and waiting for you,
I would only shatter into pieces and wait forever more,
And you won’t show up at the end of the road,
Pick up those pieces and make me whole.
Thus, I swallow those memories and take a deep breath,
And convince my heart to not hope for more,
I breathe the air and go about my day,
And tell my mind not to speculate,
If it has to be sad, it can be sad,
But it shouldn’t read too much into signs anymore,
Not make frantic efforts to make days better,
Do not try to be happy once more.
Living like this isn’t so painful anymore,
It is sorrowful and difficult but not as painful,
As missing you and waiting for you and finding you never there,
Or figuring out that it’s only me who feels this way,
Feeling all sorts of emotions –
betrayal, jealousy, anger, anxiety, longing and whatnot,
And realising that you are out with somebody and won’t care,
I would rather live this way and miss you alone,
Because this way, it would hurt to an extent I can bear.
Now, when I miss you, I pacify my heart,
And tell myself to go on alone,
Because this way, it would hurt less.
Grey
